The Gift of Singleness?

By Nick Coldagelli

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve looked forward to being married. Growing up in a Christian home, I had the gift of the Scripture’s teaching on marriage as well as my parent’s example of how it should be applied. Both caused me to look forward to the day when God would bless me with a wife. I trusted His timing in this would be perfect, and my definition of perfect was age 25. When my 25th birthday came and went with little success on the dating front, I simply kicked my marriage plans down the road five years firmly convinced that God would bring me a wife by then. When my 30th birthday passed with no blips on my bride radar, I started to wonder if God had forgotten about me.

Knowing God was faithful, I began looking online for some counsel about being a single Christian who desired to be married. Most of what I found was either advice on finding a spouse or how to be a godly spouse if you do. Though some of what I found will be very helpful if I ever do get married, I kept hoping to find teaching that would be useful for today, right now, as a single Christian.

Several of the articles I read spoke of singleness as a gift. As I reflected on my life I started to see how my singleness had, in many ways, been a gift. Most significantly, it allowed me to serve the Lord in ways that I would not have been able to if I were married. Through this service, I met many wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ that I have the privilege to call friends. The more I reflected, the more I realized that my singleness was indeed a gift from God, a gift for which I will be eternally grateful.

Even so, I still desire to be married and hope that my gift of singleness has come with a gift receipt. If you’re a single Christian who feels the same, what follows is for you. My desire is that you will be both encouraged and exhorted as we examine what we have in Christ and how that should impact our lives as single Christians. May this knowledge cause us to use our present gift of singleness wisely, so that we might not look back on it as a wasted opportunity should God grant us the gift of marriage in the future.

Our Desires

Psalm 37:4 promises, Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. This blessed promise is rightly a source of hope and encouragement to those who trust in the Lord. In reading such a verse, it is natural to think that if the Lord gives us the desires of our heart and we desire to be married, then He will surely bring us a spouse. However, this verse does not promise that God will grant us everything our hearts desire but rather that the heart that delights in the Lord will be granted its desires. This is an important distinction, considering Jeremiah 17:9 which tells us, The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

As sinners, all of us are born with deceitful, wicked, rebellious hearts that are opposed to God. However, as Christians, we have been redeemed by the blood of Christ and are new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17). We are no longer under the compulsion to sin but capable, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to serve God and delight in Him. Though we have been freed from the power and penalty of sin, we are not yet completely free from the desire and presence of sin. Christians are able to either transgress God’s law (sin) or obey it (delighting in the Lord). Delighting in Lord requires that when our will contradicts His, we deny ourselves and submit to Him in obedience.

Jesus says in Matthew 16:24-25, If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. The cross was an executioner’s tool and anyone seen carrying one was, essentially, already dead. For the Christian, Christ’s command to take up our cross means dying to our own desires and living for Him. Our lives are not our own for we have been redeemed by God and our love for Him will result in increasing obedience to His Word. Jesus Himself says, If you love Me, you will keep My commandments. (John 14:15)

Jesus taught His disciples to pray for the Father’s will to be done (Matthew 6:10). He also prays this way Himself in Matthew 26:42 saying, My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done. Christ’s prayer here in the Garden of Gethsemane reveals His good and passionate desire for the cup of God’s wrath to be taken from Him, as He prays for this three times. Even so, Christ’s greatest desire was to always do the will of His Father. Learning from our Master, we should both bring our requests to God in faith, but also view these requests as subservient to His sovereign will.

While God has revealed to us His moral will (who He is and how we should live) in Scripture, His sovereign will (all things He’s ordained will come to pass) is known to us only after it happens on the scene of human history. While God has not yet revealed whether He’s ordained if you and I will be married or remain single (sovereign will), He has revealed His moral will for every believer in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, For this is the will of God, your sanctification. Sanctification, or growing in righteous living and conformity to the image of Jesus Christ, is not dependent on our marital status. However, it is something that God wills, accomplishes and commands for every Christian. This truth is taught in to Philippians 2:12b-13, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Like sanctification, marriage is established by God and is therefore good. However, unlike sanctification, which is ordained for every believer, we do not know those God has ordained to be married (until they are married) and those He has chosen to remain single. As Christians, we are free to marry as long as our spouse is a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39, 2 Corinthians 6:14). Yet, this does not necessarily mean that we will find another Christian we desire to marry. Ultimately, whether we marry or remain single is determined, as all things are, by the sovereign will of God.

God’s Sovereignty

The issue of God’s sovereignty is crucial for Christians to have firmly in view at all times and in every circumstance for everything that comes to pass has been ordained by God. For the believer, the sovereignty of God in relation to our lives is crystallized by Paul in the Romans 8:28 which states, And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. While we do not know whether tomorrow will bring joy or sorrow, plenty or want, sickness or health—we can rest assured in whatever comes to pass, knowing that God is using it for the good of His children. Yet, so often when we experience great trials we are tempted to doubt God’s goodness and wisdom.

For those with an increasing desire to be married, years of singleness can be one of life’s greatest trials. We might wonder how God is using our singleness for good or even think, “If God is good and He loves me, then He’ll bring me a spouse.” This is dangerous thinking because it declares that God is good if He does something. Let me be clear, God is not good if He provides you or I with a spouse. God is not good if He grants our desires. God is not good if we feel like He is good. God is good—always and forever. While we may not understand why God has chosen for us to be single, we can be certain of His goodness and that He is working all things together for our good because God cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18). Furthermore, since our heavenly Father has promised to give good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:9-11), we can be confident that if it’s truly good for us to marry, He will bring us a spouse. Similarly, if it’s good that we remain single, He will not. God always brings about that which accomplishes the greatest good for His children.

Because of this, we can rejoice in our singleness even if it causes suffering. Consider Romans 5:3-5 which says, And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Additionally, our earthly troubles are being used for our eternal good, as 2 Corinthians 4:16, 17 states, Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.

Thus, we should heed Philippians 4:4, even in suffering, which exhorts us to Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Rejoicing in suffering is not pretending to feel happy during trials. Rather, it is a sober, hopeful gratitude in the midst of trials for what God has done and is doing. Let us never forget, especially in suffering, that you and I deserve nothing but eternal damnation for, as sinners, this is what we have earned for ourselves. But God, in His great mercy, chose us to be the objects of His eternal grace and nothing in all of creation can separate us from the love of Christ that accomplished this marvelous act of redemption (Romans 8:38,39).

Though we may greatly desire to be married, I think it wise to consider three important texts that are often overlooked by single Christians. The first is 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 where Paul states, But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Here we see the greatest blessing of being an unmarried Christian—an undivided concern for the Lord’s affairs. Our singleness provides us the opportunity to serve God more freely because we are not bound by the concerns and responsibilities of marriage and family. Instead of merely biding our time until we are married (Lord willing), we should diligently be about our Master’s business with all that we are and all that we have. Paul, in 1 Corinthians 15:58, commands, Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord. Since we do know when this potentially fruitful time of our lives, or our lives themselves, shall come to and end, we should passionately devote ourselves this day to the glorious task of serving our Lord. This labor will not be in vain but reap for us great and eternal rewards.

The next text that rarely comes up in our discussions of marriage is Matthew 22:30, where Jesus declares, For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. This text should be extremely encouraging regardless of whether we marry or not as our marital status will not affect our joy and contentment in eternity. Rather, both married and single Christians in this life shall be united in the next with our Lord Jesus Christ as His spotless bride. Even if we never participate in a marriage ceremony during our earthly lives, we can joyfully anticipate the day when we partake in the greatest marriage imaginable—the Marriage Supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7-9).

The third text I’d like us to weigh is 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. There are many theories about what Paul’s thorn was but since Scripture does not tell us, we can only speculate. However, what we do know is that Paul pleaded with the Lord to take it from him three times and the thorn still remained. In the same way, we may diligently plead with the Lord to bring us a spouse and He may not. But, like Paul, we can take comfort in Christ’s words knowing that his grace is sufficient for us in all circumstances. Scripture tells us that Paul’s thorn was used for his good—to keep him from becoming conceited. Likewise, we too can be confident that our singleness, or whatever thorn we may be dealing with, is being used for our good, even though we may not understand how.

Our Response

It’s easy for us to get overly caught up in the matters and concerns of this life. We often place too little value on the eternal while prizing too greatly the temporal. Even good temporal things, like singleness and marriage, can become stumbling blocks if not viewed through the lens of eternity. Jesus says in Matthew 6:19-21, Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The one who stores up treasures in heaven lives for that which is eternal, not temporal. It’s crucial that we continually remind ourselves of this for while God has not promised to bring us a spouse, He has promised us far greater and eternal things. The more we study, understand, and meditate on these matters, the more our lives will be lived for that which is eternal whether we marry or remain single.

How then should we live? How might you and I use this time that we are not married—be it a few years or the rest of our lives—to serve our King? As single Christians, there are countless ways we could do this including serving as missionaries, leading a Bible study, teaching Sunday School, organizing evangelism teams or volunteering at church. Will you ask God to show you how He might use your singleness for His glory?

If you desire to be married, as I do, I pray that God would bless you with a godly spouse who loves the Lord and brings you great happiness in marriage. However, my greater desire for you and for myself is that we would live each day with increasing joy and gratitude for the mercy and forgiveness that has been shown to us. May our gratitude cause us to serve our Lord Jesus Christ with an undivided heart that we might one day stand before Him unashamed and with exceeding joy as He says unto us, Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master. (Matthew 25:23).